Apologies to friends and forum members who may have read bits of this already tonight. Having written this once already tonight, in different places, I don't really see the need to write it again, given that it is what happened and what I'm thinking.
I'm doing ok - totally 100% still, drinking my water, feeling fine. But today i've been thinking, I can't ever imagine myself slim. I've been overweight all my adult life - from slightly (teen/early 20s) to enormously (various points in between then and now) but mostly ...well, mostly significantly overweight. I lost weight for my wedding but still was married at 13 stone; went up to 16; down to 11.5; back up to 15...and here we are.
The only time I've been properly slim - even thin - was when I went to college; I went at 10 stone and within a term was 9 stone (a diet of mainly alcohol, with occasional veggie-pizza-chips-and-beans and things on toast - plus a whole new regime of walking 6-8 miles per day and dancing every night). Even then, I thought I was fat. By Christmas of that first year, everyone told me I was too thin and looked ill, but I wonder how much of that was just surprise and the fact that they cared about me and it didn't look like I was taking care of myself.
I am thinking about how much of this contributes to the fact that I simply can't imagine that I will ever be slim and a healthy weight. It just doesn't 'fit' with my self image. I am a confident person and don't hide away, despite my size. I'm not the jolly fat girl, being a total misery some of the time, but I just don't make an issue out of being a size 18/20. Its normal. Its what I am.
Will I still be me if I'm 10 stone and a size 12? Can I ever get there? Fears of self sabotage abound. I just can't believe it'll ever be me. I've no idea where this has come from, and guess its just a passing mind-flurble, but I'm so used to being a 'big girl' that its impossible for me, at the moment, to believe that I'll ever be slim.
Had a choc tetra made into a mocha today, which was nice and much more filling than just the tetra on its own. Unfortunately, the contents of the choc tetra pack turn out to be grey. Which is an odd colour for chocolate milkshake. Obviously it is designed to be drunk unseen. Grey mocha is not terribly appetising, but it tasted ok. So that's good. Realise i've notbeen drinking enough - have been guessing - am close, but not quite 4l, I don't think. So I'm increasing that as of today, and am wearing a groove to the Ladies.
I've also recognised another emotion which I would normally choose to eat to suppress - anger. One of my staff has made me absolutely furious by backing me into a corner; details unnecessary, but I come out of this looking either petty and unnecessary, or powerless and irrelevant. Bah. And I stormed home, in a foul mood, and instantly wanted a piece of toast for comfort value and something crunchy to take it out on. I watered the plants instead. I did water them quite vehemently, but I don't think they noticed.
On a brighter note, I spent a few quid in the jane norman sale, and bought two frocks and a skirt in a size 14. Which is three sizes below where I am now. As I believe in the power of pull/positive motivation, rather than push (eg not wanting to be 15 stone any more - after all, I've achieved that already) these clothes are part of my 'pull' towards my new shape and size. I WILL wear them at Christmas (unless, of course, when they arrive I hate them!)
Today's stats:
Weight - 14'2
Lost - 11
To target - 45
And I think that's enough for now.
Lx
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